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Paternal patterns with partners

By Zaninka Umutesi
On 28 December 2022 at 06:58

Our parents have a huge influence on our lives, whether in childhood or adulthood, even when they were never present. It is not just the DNA that we get from them that stays with us.

There is a lot more than our parents contribute to the person we are and most may be involuntary and even go by without being detected if you do not think about it. It is from inheriting the passion from their favorite hobbies to choosing a partner who reminds or resembles them, it is all possible.

Ever wonder how men are prone to marry ladies that have similarities with their mothers? Well, it is not just this way that your choice of partner may be influenced by your parents.

From the moment we are born, the first meaningful relationships we make are with our caregivers, be it birth parents, adoptive parents, guardians, or any other who took care of us while growing up. All these can leave different ways that you view yourself.

If you have heard of “daddy issues” then you know what I mean. This makes sense especially for women because they learn how to relate to the opposite gender from their fathers, and hence why they tend to re-enact the relationship patterns they learned from their dads or father figures.

If a lady was the caretaker to their dad, they might find themselves excessively caretaking their partner in the relationship all while feeling exhausted or resentful as a result which does not help the relationship grow.

A girl who has always been disappointed by her father will project it onto her partner.

It is a little crazy that most of us still think that ’daddy issues’ are only projected by girls. I myself did not pay much attention to this until one day I came across a video on social media, a clip from a movie I absolutely do not remember.

The video was basically a guy explaining in a comic way the reason a normal looking guy would flip out over a simple thing and start insulting themselves over it.

This whole process the guy is unconsciously talking to himself the same way his father would without knowing it and most of the time he projects this behaviour onto his partner.

Depending on the type of father you had or have; the Emotionally Unavailable Father, abusive and violent, pampering and indulging Father, toxic and controlling Father, ruined and Dependent or the anguished and distressed Father.

You can project a different daddy issue; Anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, or fearful-avoidant.

Unfortunately just about anyone can have these issues, it only takes a person to bring their childhood paternal baggage into adulthood.

Humans have the tendency to get in relationships or marry just exactly who their parents were, sadly this is not limited to the ones who had stable happy families because even people who have strained relationships with their parents look for that familiarity in their partner.

For those lucky enough to have grown up with positive paternal patterns, then it is very beneficial to their choice of partners and what course their couple relationships can take.

Awareness is key for those who have not had the same experience. The more you can bring your triggers, behaviors, and reactions into conscious awareness, the freer you can be from your past. It is never too late to work on yourself and give yourself a chance to accept that you are worth more than the shortcomings of your paternal figure.


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