Why working on my healing before I have children of my own?

By Zaninka Umutesi
On 31 December 2022 at 09:17

If you ask me, having children is not popping them out just like that and if you had half the life I have had, you would agree. “Hurt people hurt people”, they say, well I think it is more true in this case than ever.

Most of our parents never thought of it like that but today with all the mental health discoveries showing that your relationship with your parents affects who you grow up to be and how you will treat your own children. Maybe before bringing life into this world, bring life in you first.

Before you say that it is not necessary, let us look at the story of one of my friends with their permission of course.

Ali’s parents married at a young age. Her mother did not get to be raised by her own mother and met her father right before Ali’s mother and father met.

Despite the young age, not knowing each other well or even taking time to compare backgrounds to see if they should work on themselves first, they chose to get married and had Ali and her siblings which started a whole other cycle of hurt people and things have not gotten better for either the parents or the children.

Some Africans still do not believe in therapy but Ali and her siblings made it crucial to first heal from their parents’ hurt before even getting married.

You may say that it is not a big deal but growing up with distant parents can have several effects on you even when you do not think about it.

Do you fear rejection or someone leaving you? Is your anger on the high end? Have you realized that you cannot connect with anyone emotionally?

Or have a hard time being vulnerable? Those are just some of the things that result from parents that did not engage with you as a child, who never met your emotional needs, or who did not support you in the little things.

It was not their fault either, they did what they thought was best, but it was not enough due to their own brokenness.

Now that you know better and in an era where it is more acceptable to seek help and heal your inner child by trained professionals like counselors, do not waste it.

Start working on yourself and break the hurt cycle.